I wrote this ages ago (and I haven't got any better)

Courtesan Injection

Taught in the house of ill repute
You can't learn her skills in an institute
A degree with honours it would constitute
The wonderfully educated Courtesan

Whether pleasuring one man or four
She will always leave them wanting more
Her dignity stored outside the door
That dear delightful Courtesan

She really is quite the looker
So I opened my wallet and decided to book'er
You'll never believe the ways that I took'er
Dirty, filthy Courtesan

Dead ladybird

Dead ladybird on the floor

I’m sorry that I kicked you, it was an instinct.

Dead ladybird on the floor

Surely you prefer being called a bird than a bug?

Dead ladybird on the floor

Will your family cope without you?

I’m confident they will.

Dead ladybird on the floor

I meant that in a comforting way

Not to denigrate your importance to your loved ones.

Dead ladybird on the floor

Your wings are still open, you look pretty.

Dead ladybird on the floor

It looks like you died in flight

Which I’m hoping was a good way to go

Unless you simply passed through exhaustion.

9/11 (2011)

I've always liked Sam Stosur
She seems like a real cool chick
But she's risen to the rank of deity
By beating that American prick

Whilst Serena was going mental
My new God kept Her composure
My empty days have ended
I worship you now, Sam Stosur

Global Wondrousness

I've often wondered why Paddington Bear left his home in Darkest Peru
When that is the very location of the enigmatic Machu Picchu
Would the idiot have left Egypt, the Pyramids of Giza and the Sphinx?
All places so much nicer than a London train station, methinks


The historic Petra in Jordan was cut out of the rock of Mount Hor
Great Wall of China, 4,000 miles long, building that must've been quite a chore
But it's the natural wonders of this planet that are really worth a view
Like the Grand Canyon; Great Barrier Reef; Ayers Rock AKA Uluru


I'm a big fan of waterfalls personally: Iguaza, Angel, Victoria
Shall I mention I went to Niagara? Nah, I don't want to bore ya'
I've never climbed a mountain, but no doubt it would amaze
Perhaps Kilimanjaro or the Matterhorn, or one of the Himalayas


The famous canals of Venice, so popular with tourists
I prefer the ones in Amsterdam, which come with drugs and whorists


So many beautiful islands, like Bali in Indonesia
The Seychelles and The Maldives, Bora Bora in French Polynesia
But if you want a view of paradise try the Fijian Islands of Mamanuca
I met a girl from Fiji once, she was nice but not much of a looker


I've never fancied going to Vietnam, but one thing that's quite persuasive
Is Descending Dragon Bay, that's Vinh Ha Long if you're a native
3,000 monolithic islands, up to a hundred metres tall
Not a good country to war against though, not too good at all


Turkish Springs of Pamukkale, or Namaqualand in Spring
The poles are really pretty, if snow and ice is your thing
Fjords; lakes; deserts; rainforest (at least what's left of it)
Even some places in England are nice, if you like fields and trees and shit


Our Earth is a wonderful place, it really has some delightful bits
But none compare to the majesty of Christina Hendricks' tits.

Julia Goerges

Julia, I notice that your surname
is similar to the word gorgeous
and whilst I wouldn't go so far as to say
that word described you
you are certainly very pretty.

Unfortunately, everybody else noticed this too
and now 'gorgeous' is what people call you.

I however shall not.

Julia, I also notice that your surname
is similar to the word gurgles
and whilst I wouldn't go so far as to say
that word described you
in any way that I can think of
it is what I shall call you.


Gurgles, I enjoyed watching you play tennis.
I was hoping that you would win.
I'm sorry that you lost.

Jenny Meadows

You wear glasses on your head
when you run round the track
You're often somewhere near the front
and rarely at the back

You went for track athletics
as your chosen sport
It makes more sense than basketball
because you're very short

I wish you all the very best
as you prepare for London
It really must be nicer now
you've got that Lottery funding

The Olympics is about success
I hope you get your slice
Because you seem hard-working
and really very nice

aquasphyxia

Drowning. Can't say that was the way I thought it'd all end. Not that I imagined going out in some semi-literal blaze of glory, walking through an inferno to save a bus full of cancer-ridden orphans before striking an heroic pose for the cameras and collapsing in a triumphant heap of death. I'm arrogant, but not that much.

I more figured a quiet, somewhat dull end. In bed. Alone.

Pathetic I know, but death can be such a pain. For the dying obviously, whether it's a heart that suddenly stops beating, causing searing pain firing off around the body like being stabbed with hot skewers; or actually being stabbed with hot skewers. And of course for those left behind. You spend a lifetime, however long or short, building up a gaggle of acquaintances, most of whom are mildly saddened by your passing, but then there's those who love you. Not "yeah love ya babes" bullshit, but the ones that have a deep-set attachment to you, and once you are gone they are incomplete and never truly the same again. It's true that they are the ones who suffer the most, because their pain is continual, whereas after the searing skewer stabs are finished, that's you done.

(Maybe you believe otherwise, but let's face it, you're not going to affect my opinion on 'life after death', it's a wee tad too late. You know, what with me drowning and all.)

What I'm trying to say is, it's best for it all to end simply. Just going to bed one evening, and never waking up. Hopefully it's not too long before someone finds you.

But not drowning. That's not gonna go unnoticed. It's not your run of the mill, stick on a tag and chuck 'em in the incinerator kind of death. You know that in a few days from now I'll being lying on a cold sheet of metal, with some old beardy guy carefully plucking out my organs one-by-one, weighing them whilst saying latin words into a dictaphone before going home to snort some coke and bang a prostitute, anything to drown out the stench of death. No pun intended. Plus, drowning makes the papers. Local anyway.

At least some cool last words would have been nice. Something to leave a positive lasting memory, rather than "I promise mummy, I'll stay in the shallow end".